Cracked

Inspiration comes from so many places.  A smell, a dream, a taste, a word, even a book.  For me the final push came from a book. One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  Have you read it?  Her site link is on my side bar, and when I figure out how to add buttons I'll get that up as well.  I devoured her book, dog eared the pages, made notes, and am now enjoying it the second time, more slowly, like a good merlot, or fine dark chocolate. 

Today it starts, I am hopeful.  A putting back together what has felt broken for so long.  Is it too late?  I have started to break my children and find it darkly rewarding; this scares me and I wonder, has He chosen me or was I slated for rejection before time began, my body and soul to be fire food, devil company.

My shy child struggles to tell time, I raise my voice at him as if by being clearly audible and angry he can read time better, I see with my mad eyes that he shuts down, shuts down small until 2+2 is no longer 4.

My gifted child struggles to hear the world through ears broken.  His first day with hearing aids, at age 11, he asks about those little sounds outside, everywhere - Those are birds, I tell him.  His world has been so quiet.  Orphanage chaos and noise lost on him; protected by deafness.  He doesn't act like a lonely child.  He is sweet.  I ask his brothers if they think he will ever hear this side of Heaven.  One says yes.  I counter with No, this is our family, our life.   We have to stretch to fill greater holes than some families.  Anger and frutstration make the holes bigger, love will fill them.

I seem to supersize the damage.

Does God make mistakes, I ask.  One says, yes.  I am at first surprised by this, but realize that I live as if He makes mistakes.  No, He is Perfect.  He made Gifted One as he is for a purpose.  It is a special gift endowed on one deemed worthy of the weight.

I tell my Man that this Book of Gifts is a Kleenex book.  I 'm sure he wonders why his cracking wife needs to read a Kleenex book.  Will it change me? I had wondered.  Will I be able to credit it with a higher bar on the graph of my 42 years?  I almost don't want to be changed.  I read.  At page 48 I go clean a toilet, back to reality, comfort. 

The dross of a house, stuff, money eating, moth destroying, items on an insurance list, these things disgust me.  I struggle not to give it all away.  I need so little, but what about my family?  They feel burdensome, in the way of my path.  I can't run to Christ without tripping on them.

But - God does not give contradictory, conflicting responsibilities.  Is my family a way TO Christ-like fullness in my life?  I begin to see the yes answer.