Our hearts are where we put our money

What would you do with $20,000?  When people look at your life what will they assume your love is?

When we chose to adopt I know there were people who wondered at the expense.  Thought perhaps that the money could be better spent by giving it to a reputable charity, in Ethiopia, helping more kids.

The problem is too big for a fast fix; kids are aging out.  Kids who wait and wait and watch the babies go home with new families overflowing with love, and they wonder....why not me?

Do we leave all 153,000,000 orphaned children on a sinking ship? 

This little girl was waiting, wanting a family, when Brian was at the orphanage in 2009; she had her prayers answered last year.

Some may ask how God can allow this?  YOU are God's answer to this tragedy.  You.  If you can't adopt, then help someone who can.

How much does a new car cost?  a trip to Hawaii? a cruise? a boob job?  cosmetic dental work?

You may ask us adoptive parents why we didn't give the $15-30K to a charity?  How much have you given to charity?  Should I be held to some standard of accountability that you are not holding yourself to?  I must give $20,000, but you can buy a new car?

Have you ever asked the owner of a new car, or someone just back from an overseas vacation,  "Why didn't you donate all of that money to charity?"

Our adoption meant the world to our three, and it opened three beds at the orphanage. 

Why another country, why not adopt kids here at "home".  The world is my home.  There are kids in the USA in need of a forever family, if that's you, get busy.  We knew we needed to adopt desperate kids, kids who don't have medical care, dental care, food,  kids who are not safe.  For the most part in the USA the waiting children are fed, safe and healthy, there are exceptions, but as a rule these kids are cared for.  In our boys' orphanage there was not medical care, food or safety.  Sexual abuse is rampant, hunger is a daily struggle, parasites, dirty water, lack of hygeine...The orphanage is a step up from street life, but not by much.

Pics of the boys at the orphanage when  Man went to bring them home.

Orphanage skinny; too many parasites inside competing for the little nutrition he was given.

Showing off the new clothes and shoes Dad brought.

The shy has been replaced by Spunk!

And our 13 year old deaf son won't age out in Ethiopia to go live on the street next year.  And our grandchildren will have opportunities to give and grow and make a difference.

But first we must make a difference. 

Give until it hurts.

Would we do it again?  Yes!  Will we?  Stay tuned!

The little bits

Relationships are in the details.

148. new friends
149. old friends

In applying this truth to people in my life, I can clearly see that those people with whom I share details, the big and the little, are the same ones that I feel close to.  In relationships where the detail divulgence stopped, so did the closeness; if there were never details, there was never closeness to begin with.   And no matter how much I desire to know someone, if they don't share that desire it won't happen.  I can see this with my brother, a man that I do not know the details of, nor does he know mine; the same applies to my Dad.

Marriage is in the details. 

My relationship with God is in the details.  I can go to church every Sunday, but if I leave out the details of relationship building, I will not know Him.  It takes effort.  He wrote a Book, sent His Spirit to reside in me, came in flesh to walk the walk and show me the way to Eternity; what then is my role in relationship to Creator.  What is the clay to the Potter?

Lately my heart has been challenged to forge a relationship with my eldest son, T/Gifted.  We do not have relationship, because there are not enough details to build one on.  When I share with him he does not know the vocabulary or hear the words, and he simply does not share anything.  A stranger in our home.  Our adoption books and our counselor agree, we need to push this issue. 

At the dinner table each night we are now each sharing one new thing we learned during the day, and one emotion and what caused that emotion.  This is so hard for Gifted, especially when I added the rule that you can't just say "happy" and leave it at that. 

I have also assigned him the job of writing and illustrating his life story.  Most adoption experts believe this in extremely important, the adopted child has to deal with the anger, loss, sadness, good times and bad times that make up their history.  When I gave T this assignment the other night, his face turned to stone, he does not want to do it.  Fortunately his counselor will hold him accountable and help to set goals toward completion.  He has had a hard life: nursing his dying father, abuse from his first mother, hearing loss, hunger, sickness, abandonment, orphanage life.  That he can smile at all is a miracle, gift.

150. Tom's smile
151. pediatrician with a sense of humor
152. lightening flash and thunder boom
153. planting watermelon starts and tomato plants
154. cut flowers lasting longer than a week

155. flowers in yellow skirts

Philippians 4:4 (MSG)
Celebrate God all day, every day.  I mean revel in Him!

What's so special about special needs?

What are special needs?  What's so special?  Do they (whoever came up with the term) really think I'm that stupid?  these needs are exhausting, challenging, draining, unfair.  Unfair needs.  They are not special, these needs that drive the family.

141. hearing aids that survived a forgetful moment in the shower
142. refrigerator hum
143. a new purse from Goodwill, $3.99
144. time with my Man, priceless

People compliment me on my parenting, and I feel such shame.  They don't really want to know what goes on between my ears.  It takes God, every bit of my day.  Maybe that's why I have this challenged son, so the I can more clearly see Him in my day to day.  If He was not present, would T even survive?

When T ran ahead on a hike, ignoring our calls, and we found him walking along the top of a dam wall, 6" wide.  Deep water on 1 side, 25' drop to rock on the other.  My screaming at him to come back, him saying "me no fall".  Take your pick you non-swimmer, drowning or dashing on rocks?  Or when I catch T riding his bike out onto the street between parked cars, not looking, not hearing - do I suggest he speed up, cheer him on?  Some days I feel that if I can just keep him alive we'll get through.  He has little sense of self preservation. 

We have a new plan for parenting T/Gifted one.  These days I think Gifted is a misnomer, what was I thinking?  Whishfully?  Today his counselor comes for a home visit.  We are re-arranging the boys so T has a room to himself, we have a list of expectations that are reasonable for this 13 year old son.  I'm hoping for growth, improvement, life!

145. 2 dogs a dreaming
146. 3 cats a purring

Yo, the one who was bullied in school - go figure

Let them blow bubbles, yep, even in the car.

What is Number One up to?

Ah yes, flying a WalMart bag with his fishing pole!

Get yourself in for an exfoliating scrub - you deserve it!

147. shimmery bubbles

Proverbs 15:13

A glad heart makes a happy face;

a broken heart crushes the spirit.



Keep it slow

What is the cost of hurry?  Is there gain?
I have slowed down these past few years, due to age or wisdom I certainly don't know, but it is a good thing.  I don't hurry on the road, I try very hard not to hurry my boys.

Reminding myself of God's timing; what He keeps me from and saves me for.  In His rhythm my timing is perfection, not offbeat tuba or annoying piccolo out of time and place. 

131-133. time to play and get dirty, climb trees, and build slime forts

There are moments of hurry, but I work to reduce even those.   Usually Gifted is last, always lagging.  I have been trying to go slower than him.  "Don't be last, aim for first!"  Is there damage in those words? The frustration behind them is certainly not kind.  By placing myself last, he's a step ahead.  Man noticed the change, "seems to me you're last these days."  "Mmmm", I don't explain my new tactic.  I struggle to find ways to help Gifted; and have to acknowledge that nothing may work. 

Will our family fall into orbit around him or will he forever be catching up?

This eldest son, just turned 13, is the most childish of our 5.  I vacilate between urging him to grow up, act his 13 years, or leaving him be.  I worry that T left alone will stay like this forever, despite his changing body.  His disobedience is sly; he studied well the orphanage skills of survival.  Using his hearing loss as excuse, again and again, "it's too hard!" is his lament.  He is unmotivated.  His habits are fairly fixed. 

I try to inspire him, share with him, engage him, but he remains unknown to me.  How do we build a relationship with a teenage boy who has little communication and says it's all too hard? 

His vocabulary is limited.  He never learned to hear, what to listen to, what to ignore; how to ask a question, how to answer a question.  Now with hearing aids these past 16 months, the growth seems to measure so small on the chart I create in my mind, a chart of comparison. 

I pray for guidance.  God put him here, in Him is the help we need.  I see that I can't go wrong in pursuing Gifted, I can't imagine regret down that road.  But if I let it go, give up, I will leave valleys that only regret can fill. 

Man mumbles in his mustache, brothers get frustrated at repeating themselves again and again, school mates can't connect.  He doesn't want to learn sign.  It comes to me; poor substitute for an architect, but I will attempt to design a bridge to this son.